Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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