you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
