There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
