I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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