We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
