just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
