Soap is not a condiment
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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