So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
