he shaved USA in his pubs
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
