i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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