like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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