i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
