i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
