My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
