Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
