you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
try to milk me bitch
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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