I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
