your parents love me but you hate me
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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