i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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