What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
