I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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