I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
