I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Come on in and take your pants off
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