I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
How external is "for external use only"?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
