he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
