Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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