Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
