Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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