Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
