Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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