If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
