i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
