hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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