You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
