His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
