I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
