Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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