Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
birth control should be required to get into college
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
