My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
