i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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