"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize