What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Actions speak louder than pants.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
