i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
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