Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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