It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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