My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
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