I can text with my tongue
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
