We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
