i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
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