she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
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