I could make wine with my vomit
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
