I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
