fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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