Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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