it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
