Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
we made out on top of his cat.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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