this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
