I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
