I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
