You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
