I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
