Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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