She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I think your dad took our porno
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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