Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
