He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
