I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
