A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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