Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
That's intense
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
