It's like God shit irony all over that family
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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