hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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