What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
