Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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